Pastor Daniel taught excellently about trials on Saturday; the sermon that many hearts were waiting to hear. I was surprised at the new level and depth he brought it to. It was also timely after, or should I say before, what happened to my family later in the night.
My main reason for revealing what is private family matter is for people to intercede for my dad. Without Christ in him, we will be doomed to an unfulfilling and unhappy family. I am not ashamed to tell the truth nor am I ashamed to be my father’s son. My Father in Heaven chose my father on Earth for me. There must be a reason why.
My mom drove my sister and me home from church. My dad was in the car, having been with my mom for the elections earlier in the afternoon. He seemed a bit sensitive and hot-tempered as he almost quarreled with my mom over biscuits.
He had been drinking since afternoon. It has been his habit for two years to drink beer to drown his financial woes. He believes he is not an alcohol addict or drunk just because he has been able to drive home safely every time. What he does not believe is that it impairs his judgement and raises his temper.
The next moment, he was correcting me about being unable to wake up by myself in the mornings for school and said that I was useless. I agreed with him but he thought I was being sarcastic. He began yelling Hokkien vulgarities at me. My mom stood up for me and said he should teach me in a civil manner.
He became very angry, telling her she should be quiet when he is teaching his son. My mom got panicky and accidentally hit a curb and punctured a tire. My dad became more enraged and he got down to fix the car. What ensued were more vulgarities and reprimanding, even after a sincere apology from me. He said he had the right to be pissed.
After about half an hour, we got back home and he continued his gibberish for at least half an hour more. A heated argument between him and my mom soon developed over his teaching methods and family communication.
You must understand that my dad, as head of the house, has absolutely very little correct knowledge of family values. He follows the traditional and flawed ways of his uneducated father who believed pain made it plain for children to obey instructions.
He believes he can do whatever he wants. He thinks he is always right and we are always wrong. He says we are accountable to him and he does not have to account to us. He has not learnt that accountability and respect goes two ways.
He makes providing for us sound like such a chore and make us sound horrible and undeserving of every small contribution he makes to the family. He has this idea that since he gives money to us and we pay tithes, he is the one giving to the church. He does not understand that giving is without condition or claim on what is given.
He gets sensitive and offended at every honest comment that is unfavourable. Just one comment can get him going on for hours. He will curse God, our pastors and the Bible and bring in religion. And he digs up past history and use it against us and especially against my mom. He does not know the true meaning and extent of forgiveness.
He will hurl verbal and vulgar abuse at her, insulting her as being incompetent and telling her how worthless she is. He makes it sound like we are the luckiest people in the world to get a father and husband like him. He has no idea he is to blame for a lack of love in this family towards him.
No wonder communication is poor or even impossible. No wonder he feels like an ATM who only gives money and gets no love. Without communication, a relationship cannot develop or mature. Love is about being able to express both bad and good. Otherwise, it would be unnatural. Love is as much about rebuke for evil as well as praise for good.
Going back to the quarrel, my dad dug up the past again with a little provocation from my mom, who felt it unfair for him to accuse her wrongfully. Cutting the story short, my mom attempted to leave the house after my dad broke a lamp with his head. He then dragged my mom by the hair back to the house.
Being unable to bear anymore of this violent abuse, I lost control. I smashed stuff on the floor towards him and called relatives and the police. I yelled Hokkien vulgarities in anger and asked him how he liked it. I told him I would have murdered him in cold blood if he was not my father.
I told him I never wanted to be like him. If I would treat my wife this way, I will rather not get married. I told him we have communication obstacles because we can only say good things, not bad.
He began calling me an unfilial ingrate. He challenged and provoked me, to which I responded in anger. I would not keep silent anymore.
I knew that I was not in the wrong this time. I would usually be convicted by my conscience or the Spirit when I handled a matter erroneously. I had kept silent after one and a half hours of verbal abuse. I would have even endured any more of his self-righteous statements if he did not resort to violence. The one thing I cannot stand is when a man beats a woman.
Besides, I have to protect my mom and sister from this abuse. I had learnt to be patient and keep silent from all the quarrels they had. I had learnt to swallow my ‘pright’, my pride at being right. However, this incident called for a wakeup call for him.
The only wrong I did was to react in anger, because it does not produce the righteousness of God. However, I had lost control of my senses then. I have never uttered English vulgarities for 2 years now, much less Hokkien ones. I would have seriously struck him had he taken another step towards us.
The Bible says in Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21 that fathers should not provoke their children.
And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
Filial piety is not about enduring wrongful abuse. I never thought we suffered from domestic abuse until Saturday. Even though this type of dispute has occurred at least 20 times since I became a Christian two years ago, this one was the worst and most obvious kind of mental and physical abuse.
The saga was far from ending. The police came and handcuffed him after taking our statements. But he was released when my relatives came and made sure he did not try anything funny.
He was still talking rubbish and yelling threats under the influence of alcohol. Relatives from both sides came and advised him to no avail. My dad’s brother talked to him for two hours while he tried to knock his head against the wall. He finally succeeded though three full-grown men were holding him down.
He was then sent to the hospital, where he yelled murder threats at the attendants and told them he had suicidal thoughts. He was referred to Institute of Mental Health for observation.
Overnight, my life was turned topsy-turvy. It really made me wonder how much worse Job must have felt. I was getting worried about my dad and family yesterday. I was thinking of getting a job, even deferring school.
However, my dad was discharged today. He even apologized to me and promised to quit drinking. I am really grateful that God pulled us through. However, we still fall short of what can be deemed the family that God intended it to be.
My mom and I have given up hope that good and honest communication can ever be achieved. We are planning to endure his wrongdoings till we cannot anymore. Pray for peace in the family. That is all we need for now.
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