Journal of James's Journey with Jesus

Flowers That Bloom Late Wither Early

In these last few months, I have experienced a drastic but positive change in my perspective, wants and needs. Whereas I had thought leaving the church would be a big blow to me, it has actually been a breath of fresh air.

With all the thoughts and fears that were put inside our heads, our picture of leaving a church or 'backsliding' is stormy bleak with no horizon in sight. But I have found the opposite to be true. I've never felt happier and more sober than now.

It's true that there is no perfect church but it's also true that some churches are more imperfect than others. We should never let fear stop us from venturing out to find a more suitable environment to grow in, if we are deeply unhappy where we are at.

It's true that some people get into bad company and bad habits after leaving a church but it really depends on the person. For me, it's the best decision I ever made.

I no longer feel confused and pressurised. I know the truth and it has set me free. Even though I don't read the Bible or pray as often as I should, I am finally assured that God loves me unconditionally. I found out what I want in life and I am working hard to pursue these things.

I felt I've wasted a whole lot of time the last 3 years I've spent in church chasing a religion and trying to fulfil people's expectations of me. Thus, I am trying to be more open-minded and seize opportunities as they come by. I'm looking forward to experiencing the abundance of life as Jesus promised to all His followers.

To go with the flow and rush into things. To live life by the moment and be spontaneous. To try new things, travel to new places and meet new people. To be unafraid of what is unfamiliar. To make mistakes and to learn to never make them again.

To experience what is good and bad so that I'll never have to take another person's word for it. I have learnt that if you never take risks, you will never get anywhere. If you only make safe and comfortable decisions, you will just be a couch potato.

Never let anyone tell you something cannot or should not be done. You only have one life and if you do not make full use of it, you will live with regrets for the remainder of it.

I do not want to tarry until I have come to the stage in my life when age will hinder me from the pursuit of life's abundance. After all, I have already lived out two-sevenths of my lifespan without fully experiencing life.

The time will come whereby my age is just a number, a cruel reminder to the many years I have existed and the few I will remain upon this earth.

But I hope to have no regrets by the day that I am bedridden and looking out of the window like a frog in the well. I don't want to be oblivious to the many wondrous things in the world. I don't want to yearn in my old age for things I've missed out in my youth.

In the navy, I've woken up to mornings filled with deep purple skies, sun polarities and beautiful cloud portraits. I realised that the Creator paints a new portrait upon the sky everyday. This also made me realise that there's so much out there I have not seen and experienced. The world is just so big and beautiful.

Wall-E & Eve

Sometimes, I wish true love would be easily found by those who seek it. I look all around and see that almost everybody has somebody. Well, everybody but me. I've come to appreciate the rare eclipse of the proverbial Venus and Mars; when two hearts are bound by true love forevermore

Not that I'm jealous of my friends who have found their soul mate. I just find it so hard to find someone who likes me as much as I like her. I seem to have this knack of liking girls who don't like me. With that said, there are also girls I don't like who like me. I just tend to go for girls who are sweet as a sugar lump and cute as a bunny.

I find my eyes constantly fixated on pieces that don't fit in the puzzle. Trying to force the pieces in, all I got from it is frustration. Where is my confidence, where is my esteem? I've realised I can't force love on myself when love is not ready to be found.

Sometimes, I feel my heart's still not ready for romance yet. My parents' frequent quarrels over the smallest of things have put a fear in me of relationships and commitments. All the hurting from both sides taught me that I should not even try to pursue a girl if I am going to be a jerk.

To love is an easy thing but to sustain it is the hardest thing to do. Love is a commitment to bear with and accept the things we dislike or are unaccustomed to. All your life, you will have to compromise and accept each other to make it work.

Even in the beginning of a relationship, compromise and acceptance have to take root in both hearts. A relationship will only work if both parties have the mentality that they deserved each other, not more or less. Think of each other as equals and treat each other likewise.

One thing that destroys a marriage is taking your spouse for granted and not appreciating the little things he/she does out of affection for you. One of my parents' issue is that both of them feel like they themselves have done their utmost for the family while belittling the part their partner has done.

This happens due to a difference in value systems. Everyone has a different set of love languages and shows love in different ways. While a wife may value the amount of time a husband spends with the family, a husband might value working longer hours so that he can better provide for the family's wants and needs.

Never doubt one another and give each other the benefit of the doubt. Be transparent, honest and sincere. It is always good to thrash things out and take responsibility when conflicts arise. Solve it there and then by reaching a common understanding.

If you do not communicate with your partner, malformed perceptions will grow over the years to haunt you later in a distorted and terrible form. My parents like to dig up the past and open old wounds because their hurts were never healed or apologised for.

They had misunderstood each other so much over the years they no longer knew the person their partner was. So many suppressed misperceptions and misunderstandings gave rise to flashy displays of temper and rage whenever they're talking about any issue.

It is always good to guard your lips, especially when you're in fit of anger. Like I said before, "We often think we can take back hurtful words but hasty words make a slow retreat." Use a good tone and talk to resolve an issue, not to prove that you're right.

These are the things I have learnt from being a mediator and 3rd party. But until I can practise these values, I won't let insecurity bring me into a relationship or marriage. I don't want to have a girlfriend just to know that I'm lovable.

Sometimes we all feel unloved and insecure. There's a Man whose love and longing for you is so intense, more than what any man or woman could possibly have. His capacity to love is as infinite as His ability to show affection is unquantifiable. In this Man's love, our soul should rest securely.




Out-of-the-Navy Resolutions

1. Gain financial independence (Work in a PR/Advertising/Publishing/Events company or hotel while studying part-time).

2. Find my second love.

3. Improve my vocals by attending lessons at The Music Lab.


New Jokes

1. What do vegetarian blue collar workers get paid for their services?

Ans: Wedges

2. What do vegetarian white collar workers get paid for their services?

Ans: A Celery