Journal of James's Journey with Jesus

A Tale Of Irony & Love

There were dark times when I had nothing in life to live for. Life and its mundane cycle of schooling, working, marrying and child-bearing made little sense to me. Like sand falling from an hourglass, time was sifting away fast and I had many questions demanding an answer.

I had lived for fun and excitement but they came up short of my expectations. Rather than being their master, I was enslaved by pleasure's many minions. I became a pessimist disappointed with people, life and who I was. My heart was a cold slab of stone and I never felt more alone.

Everything changed in an instant. A classmate invited me to her church youth group. I reluctantly said 'yes'. I never knew that a single 'yes' could be so powerful. God felt so real that you could feel Him in the air. But what was more real was the ensuing transformation.

Like a butterfly, I came out of that cocoon a work of marvel. I wore love, truth, grace, hope and freedom proudly on the sleeves of my heart. The cold slab was broken and a shining heart glowed with newfound joy. For once, I felt peace like the comfort and stillness of the night.

I was overcome by a love so great I would give up everything for it. It was breath to my lungs and water to my thirsting soul. For two years, it was a sweet surrender to the gentle call of God. I slowly became Him as I grew in love with His character.

And the love we shared for one another, among those who believed in His grace, was real. No veil or hypocrisy tainted this sweet and honest love. We cherished all who came to Him, never raising an eyebrow. Being equals in an unequal world, we sought to make this world a better place.

But as all good things, it came to an end. Men never did learn to treasure what is precious. Pride and hierachy got the better of some of us. But many hung on to the faith that God was in control. Slowly, absurdity set in. We were required to prove our love for the One who loved us unconditionally.

Suddenly, there was talk about cakes and some of them being half-baked. Many were deemed sick and unwell. Some left the Body; they were told they weren't good members. Speculation arose but murmurs were quieted by the phrase "don't play the blame game". But the game was still being played by schemers in the higher ranks.

They talked about accountability and how it was one-way. They banned gossip and brought it to the pulpit. They said "Christ died for sinners" before I was a Christian and "Sinner, die for Christ" when I had been fully deceived. They showed me what was faith without deeds. They knew the Lord and did not tremble.

Numbers weren't important but they sure looked good. Delighted, they welcomed the crowd into the gates. Gladly, they ushered whoever was in the way out the backdoor. They preached with flair to lead others into their lair. They raised up leaders and flattened them to the ground. They were the potters; we were the clay.

I looked around and saw many broken vessels. They were looking for the Healer but got more wounds. I tried to mend the broken-hearted but the hurting was rampant; it was like there was a bull in a china shop. The more I helped, the more I felt a sense of helplessness.

I tried to tell myself everything was all my fault. I told others to look at their own faults too. Till I realised it was all a game of reverse psychology. After all, it's never the leaders' fault. They never needed to change; they were perfect. I got tired, perhaps a tad inadequate.

Sadly, in a place where revolution was encouraged, change never seemed further away. I waited and waited in futility until time itself seemed to have faded away.

It was a perfect church for the perfect. They loved those who loved them and the hypocrites well. They ministered to those who had the required time. You couldn't disagree; that would make you unsubmissive.

Everything was permissible and everything was prohibited. Music came from the devil and you couldn't dress less. It makes me wonder what happened to love, sweet love.

The irony of this tale is this; we were betrayed by Judas's kiss.