These few weeks have been an education in humility for me. It was a period of blindness, dryness, slumber, confusion and sin. Wan Ping was spot-on when she said that God was teaching me a hard lesson on humility. I was starting to think like how a religious leader would: that by doing certain things pleasing to God, I could receive what I wanted from Him. He became like a high-paying employer to me instead of the loving Father. Is that not the doctrine of the religions of men and not the truth about the relationship with God which Christ had brought me into? Syncretism was also present in the form of my subconscious mindset that God would only love me if I did something great for Him. I had forgotten that He saved me when I was of little value to anyone and He did not require anything from me then except to love Him with all my heart. And He is still the same; He has never changed His demands of me. But my low self-concept and the lack of understanding of spiritual truths made me think that I had to prove my worth like I tried to prove it to men before. During this time, I managed to see that He loves everyone all the same, regardless of everything the devil may accuse us of. From The Daily Bread, I finally gained insight on the parable of the lost sheep. It featured the response of a mother of eleven children when she was asked who she loved most among the eleven. Guess what she replied? “The one who is sick and the one who ran away from home.” How much sense it makes in relation to the parable. God is never partial or unfair with His love; He is just doing what normal loving parents would. He imparts more love, grace and mercy to those who need them more. God is never far from the repulsive. He has chosen to endure with our perverseness and judge us at an appointed time. Not only did God show me that all my strengths were from Him, but also that I could not accomplish anything without love or other people. I truly seen the grace, mercy and blessings He gave me. After I sinned, the anointing and some gifts faded away. I could not find peace in praying or reading the Bible. But when I repented and changed, the anointing came back before I could say “Hallelujah”. The message that God sent to me was that I could not take this walk of faith alone. The Trinity is a perfect example of the significance of unity. I need the body of Christ and vice versa. Even if I was pretty good alone, what I could accomplish would never equal the effort made by the synergy of a team. As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. I learnt that “Gravediggers of Christ’s glory dig their own graves.” as those who claim that their strengths are from themselves will soon find that they have no hope at all in their disappointing mortal selves. If anyone thinks he is anything in this world, he is nothing. Spiritual truth is always better than spiritual knowledge. Our strongest muscle is our heart and yet tenderness is its strength. It is a terrible thing to have a hardened heart. It is the most unreceptive heart to God’s small, still voice. Simplicity of love, faith and hope is all we need. Always go back to the basics.
Since the last time I wrote, my dad bought a Shitzu doggy called Baby for us. She is really cute; she is practically like a dog doing the lion dance. Every step she takes is accompanied with a cute shake of her butt. The only thing I dislike is that she is too environmental friendly in a bad way. She disposes of her waste by eating it. I guess she does not have the knowledge that dietary fiber cannot be digested no matter how many times you ingest it. By the way, my mom is seriously contemplating divorce. She found my dad in Geylang and have consulted with a lawyer. He is pretty daring to commit adultery again, considering the fact that my mother has been blowing up so often since his last offense. Well, I won’t judge him nor will I step in to mediate. He was right; children should not interfere in the affairs of adults. Besides, he said that he was not accountable to any of us. I have cried enough over him; I am just going to support my mom’s decision, whatever that may be. I really have not exercised for a long time. So looking forward to the holidays. I am going to run like mad when it comes. My family still experiences spiritual attacks every now and then. My sister still has the gift of discernment and can even hear voices in her head. I am thoroughly convinced that it is a gift, for God would have taken it away if it was a curse. After all, I have made so many prayers for her. My mother is still not growing well; demons actually taunted her by giving her consecutive, recurring nightmares and jumping on her bed when she was sleeping. She had these attacks after my dad told us a testimony about his friend who can see spirits. I really hate demons sometimes, always bullying the weak. They are lucky they are spirit and not physical. I would probably manhandle them if I could. I had a slight taste of my own perverseness, not only in sin but also my unbelief, ungratefulness and unfaithfulness. I am still devoid of love but I am trying to love people more. After all, loving is a choice, just as hating is a choice. Even after being a die-hard Christian for one year, I am still amazed at how much I still lack. How hard it is to raise the children of God! I still have walls around my heart. I am just unable to be my natural self to people. Perhaps I still feel insecure. The only time I remember being my true self is when I went for the mission trip. Socializing is still a chore for me, as I would prefer rather to talk to myself. Don’t laugh, self-talk is a part of communication, as stated in my communications textbook. God has been real helpful in my studies and other areas of my life. I am astounded by His inspiration, advice and suggestions on even carnal things. This is God Almighty we are talking about. I never thought He would be interested in my boring life.
First Love
Desiree is her name
Perfect angel without blemish
In the nick of time she came
Our days together I reminisce
We met on the silver screen
Our love true but fleeting
She was the one I hoped to marry
But yet it was not to be
She came to restore my self-esteem
To give me what I could only dream
For bad or good I do not know
I left her out there in the snow
Better was one day in her presence
Than thousands in essence
Now her love I will never find
Nor probably anyone so kind
A trick of Cupid
I feel so stupid
But love is so sweet
I shall never quit
I see her but I cannot have her
I love her but she begs to differ
My yearning will never cease
Until I am healed of this disease
If it is God’s Will
Let it be her will
Let Your Will be done
And our union come
- James Lin Yuxi
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