Journal of James's Journey with Jesus

‘A NEW LIFE’
Have you ever felt that there must be more to life than what you have experienced and yet never really found out what it is? You can’t put a finger to what is missing but that persistent, nagging emptiness that creeps up on you whenever you are alone, away from the company of people and the buzz of urban city life, reminds you of how little you know about this world or your purpose in it. Searching for an answer that fills the vacuum in your heart, you can’t seem to find it anywhere: not in your school, workplace or the intimate relationships you have built up with your family, friends, spouses and potential ones.

Having once the same sentiments, I eventually came to the conclusion that there was no meaning in my life. And this led me to one of the most important and shortest questions in my life: why live? Armed with this depressing discovery, I awaited any reason to commit murder.

One day, an unreasonable dad started a quarrel that ticked off a time bomb in me. Less than two hours later, I arrived at Pasir Ris and made my way to Downtown East with my deadly cargo of 100 Panadol pills, with the intent of buying a large bottle of Dettol cleansing liquid.

I had run away from home and did not plan on ever going back. I decided to give myself one big and final treat at Downtown East until the cash in my trusty POSB bank account was depleted. I was ready to murder myself after having some fun and you don’t really need cash after you die, do you?

I know many people in this near-perfect country of ours have at one point in their life contemplated suicide. After all, 305 Singaporeans thought about it and did the deed in 2001. Let’s not even talk about those who are still thinking about it.

Death comes to all men but in the last decade or so, it has come prematurely at an unprecedented rate in the unnatural form of suicide. Suicide has become an effective and common killer in countries all over the globe, beating stomach cancer, liver cirrhosis and many other diseases in its victim death count per year. The World Health Organization (WHO) reported suicide as the 14th top cause of death in the world in 2002. And in 2000 alone, 29, 319 Americans took their own lives. With American culture seeping into our society and many other societies around the world, I wonder if suicide will ever become popular here and when the proportion of local suicide cases will catch up with that of America.

Going back to my story, I didn’t kill myself that day, as many of you would have guessed. But as other people who have had similar experiences to mine would agree, the smell of death lingered, waiting to claim my soul for eternity. This world was missing something really important and satisfying and that drove me and others like me to depression. I needed a reason to live because there were too many reasons not to.

All my life, I had lived for fun and excitement. Yet now, they couldn’t persuade me to stay on this earth no more. I was depressed and disappointed with myself and my life. Lust but not the least, was my greatest sin. I was bound deeply to pornography and masturbation since the age of 11. Girls were literally objects of sexual desire and prey to my predatory stalking routines. I was impulsive, immature and hot-tempered, having bad school records involving fights, unintentional harm and ill-discipline. My heart of stone knew no love and was selfish. I never was able to love my family though my parents and younger sister loved me with all they could give. I was so confused and my mind was always fuzzy with so many thoughts and questions I couldn’t answer.

The next year, a classmate I knew little about asked me out for basketball on several occasions. He would talk to me about Jesus: someone who was part of my past left in a dusty old church somewhere. I was once a ‘Sunday School’ Christian and I thought church was more about singing, having fun and making friends than knowing God. I was never a good Christian, if I even was counted one. I went only because my mom dragged me there every week. I did not really believe in Him as I could not see or hear Him.

I wasn’t really paying attention to my classmate’s words until he told me of a certain gift God gave him. The gift of tongues, he called it. Well, I wasn’t quite sure what he meant since he only had one, to the best of my knowledge. He explained that tongues referred to languages. I didn’t know he was a language specialist either. The next part was even more ridiculous; he said it was in a language he did not know how to speak in. Curiously wondering what to expect, I begged him to demonstrate it to me. The next moment, he was speaking fast a string of words in a strange and unknown language. He told me that God was speaking it through him and he did not even understand or mentally form the words. Stubborn as a bull, I tried real hard to imitate it but to no avail. Fazed and amazed by the supernatural phenomenon, I promised him I would visit his church that week.

After the sermon that week, I promptly invited Jesus into my heart and life. And they prayed for me to receive the gift of tongues. When I was able also to utter words in a language I never heard before just after being prayed over for five minutes, all doubts about God’s existence vanished. Though I still couldn’t see or hear Him, I could feel Him. That day, I was the happiest boy in the world. An inexpressible joy and an unmovable peace that I never felt before filled and overwhelmed me, and I was surprised because I did not win a million dollars or got hooked up with a girlfriend. It was as if I found the answer I was always subconsciously looking for. The hole in my heart had been filled with the satisfaction of knowing my Maker and His purpose for me.

I have been forever transformed since I received Jesus as Lord and Saviour two years ago. I traded what was worthless for what was priceless. God erased all the pictures of naked women in my mind and completely eradicated my lust for them. I am proud to proclaim that now I have been enabled to see and treat girls as equal and human beings, not loving them with the selfish kind of love involved in boy-girl relationships but with the love a brother has towards his sister. I have gotten so much closer to my sister and she is dear to my heart. Jesus built up my self-esteem and confidence and gave me the chance to be a leader, a position no one had ever trusted me with.

Just as only the inventor knows the use of his invention, only God knows the purpose of men, whom He created. And history is His Story, of how He always desired that you live life to the full, in abundance. Jesus died and paid for our sins so that we would be forgiven and not be punished and condemned. He is the Way, the Truth and the Life. If you are ever in need of the truth, you know who to call.
(1276 Words)

Feature Writing CA1
12th July 2005
James Lin Yuxi
0432744
DMC 2A02

APPENDIX
(a) Title of Magazine: Youth Impacted
(b) Profile of Magazine: A magazine intended to reform youths in Singapore, with a range of features about life, including pre-marital sex, suicides, clubbing and other teenage dysfunctional norms.
(c) Readership Profile: Targeted at Singaporean youths, free and available at all Life Bookshop Counters.