Journal of James's Journey with Jesus

I feel that God has been speaking to me about my insecurity since a month ago. So I shall attempt to address this age-old plague by judging myself with the Bible. After all, the Bible does say that ‘if we would judge ourselves, we would not be judged’ (1 Corinthians 11:31).

We need to come to a point when we can be totally true to God, other people and ourselves. We need to stop using our innate defence mechanisms to make excuses, ‘white’ lies and deceive ourselves with denials of the truth. Because if the truth hurts, then lies hurt more.

The power of Satan and insecurity is in the lie, which brings us into bondage and injects fear and worry into our hearts. The power of God is in the truth, which sets us free and gives us confidence and peace.

The truth is this: God loves us though it seems to us He does not have any reason to. It’s hard to understand why God loves us despite our weaknesses and imperfections. However, that does not make His love false. The Bible is a love letter from God and His words expresses the extent of true love He has for us. After all, God is love and He loves us for who we are and who we will become after being transformed by His love.

I hope to encourage everyone to judge themselves and not to be a victim of their insecurity because there is a huge price to pay for that. I paid the price and I will tell the whole truth so that people will know that they are not the only ones who are insecure and that they do not have to be.

I know it is not an issue only I am struggling with. I can see it in the eyes of all those who pretend they have perfect vision so that they would look better without spectacles, and those who bought contact lenses because of that. And I can see in the hearts of all the girls who wear skimpy tops with plunging necklines, who prostitute themselves to the lowest, common taste of fashion.

Insecurity Over Looks
I have had my heydays being insecure about my looks. One particular incident was when I was in Secondary 3 and 4. My best friend, who happened to be a really charismatic guy, was really popular in school. Yet he did not wear his spectacles which he obviously needed. Being undiscerning, I followed suit and found new confidence, or so I thought, in looking like me.

However, my vision was really impaired so I thought I would get permanent contact lenses. I remember that day when I popped into the usual place I get my spectacles done and the lady boss who was rather accustomed to me advised me against wearing contact lenses. She obviously knew the operational hassle, health dangers and higher costs of subscribing to the contact lens craze rather than relying on my good old spectacles. Being the stubborn fool that I was, I ignored her advice and went off with joy in my heart. A month or so later, they taught me how to fit the lens in.

That was the only time I ever wore the lens in my whole lifetime. Subsequently, I was exasperated from the maintenance of the lens, poking my rather irritated eye and trying to find the lens after they flew off due to unsuccessful attempts at fitting them in. That’s $300 dollars down the drain but it would have been even more if I had been dependent on contacts lens to hide my insecurity. Insecurity doesn’t pay.

The point is if you are not secure without contacts lens, you will not be secure with them. Hiding or feeding insecurity only causes it to gain strength and power over your life.

This phenomenon of insecure teenagers claiming perfect vision is a well-kept and dirty secret I see everywhere, even in the Church. No one seems to dare reveal the truth and show love to these people, who are so desperate to know that they are loved no matter how they look. I myself am looking for courage to help one such as this find security in the arms and revelation of Jesus Christ.

The basic, ridiculous lie that gets us so insecure about looking like how we are is this: Everyone can or is supposed to look beautiful physically. This seemingly harmless lie causes us to think that we were made wrong if we are not already beautiful and that we need to do something to change that. I would just like to ask this one thing: Isn’t beauty in the eyes of the Beholder? And who beholds all things besides God? Therefore, we must judge ourselves by the standards of God.

The Beholder of all peoples said in 1 Samuel 16:7, But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." God rejected Saul as Israel’s king though he was the tallest and the most handsome man in all of Israel (1 Samuel 9:2). This goes to show that God desires truth and goodness in our hearts, not our looks, because looks can be deceiving.

God transformed me with the truth, months after the contact lens saga. I finally had the confidence to look the way I look, with my spectacles, because I knew that God looks at my heart, not my face. It does not matter if other people view me differently because God, who is all-knowing, all-powerful and totally awesome, loves me.

I plead that you may take up courage to defy the lie and be a subscriber to the truth. Until you do that, you will not be able to display the light of Christ, which is the love He has for people. Until you love yourself who may not be endowed with physical beauty, you will not be able to love others who are ugly, in the world’s sense of the word. By the way, our perfect God who knows all things and is able to do all things made no mistake in His creations because Psalms 139 declares this fact:

13 For You created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in Your book
before one of them came to be.

I'm having exams now but I will update soon about insecurity over: (1)worth (2)fear of not finding a spouse (3) any other aspects of ourselves God brings to my mind

Praise and thanksgiving be to God who gives wisdom generously and without reproach. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.