LETTER OF APOLOGY
Dear Nissi Knights,
I just want to say that I am sorry for leaving you like that. I know my sudden absence will cause you to be in chaos and under huge spiritual attack. I know how irresponsible it is to leave my disciples without a word or instruction.
I treasure the deep fellowship that has been built up over these 5 years. I deeply regret and am saddened that I am leaving like this. I love each and every one of you and have been touched by your growth in the faith.
It's just that I can't make myself stay in this church anymore. For the past 1.5 years, I've been forcing myself every week to come to this church. I've been thinking of changing churches but I refused to try to find a 'perfect' church, because there's no such thing in the world.
And I've been thinking all along, "Perhaps it's my fault that I can't seem to feel God's love in this place and these people. Maybe my own sin and pride have so blinded me that I cannot discern what is true and right anymore. I must be looking at the dust in my brother's eyes and not noticing the plank in my own."
But I have realised that in many major things concerning the faith, this church has left the biblical standard and gone for the worldly standard without realising it. There are too many cases of the people I love in this church being hurt. And everyday, I'm being forced to put burdens that Christ has not taught me to put, on myself and those I love and teach.
It's sad because I've always believed that God's anointing is in this church. And I believe it still is. It's just that I cannot handle the pressure or the waiting anymore. I'm afraid to yield to legalism and hyperspiritualism. I'm afraid of becoming blind and numb to God's Word.
Because the wisdom I've gained goes against what the leaders' views are. And I don't want to argue or debate because I would much rather leave this church as a hypocrite, liar and sinner than stumble anyone. I rather be viewed as a heretic who's following his own will and ways.
I know they won't listen because they're always right in their own minds. I really wish I could foolishly and sheepishly follow the leaders but my strength and endurance are lacking. I can no longer be naive after I have seen certain things that confirms my suspicions.
I hope everyone will see me as a liar, hypocrite and sinner. Take me as a weak person and a victim of depression and spiritual attack. I don't wish to be vindicated because I will be a stumbling block if I am vindicated. If you can stay in this church, you'll reap blessings and the anointing of God like I never will.
Don't try to find out what mistakes this church has because you will be stumbled. Don't be stumbled over me. Because if you do, I would feel very guilty. You're the reason why I stayed on for so long.
But I just want to say that I am very grateful for the foundation that this church has placed in me. The love and grace they have shown me have moulded me to become the man I am. If not for their discipleship, I would never have understood the faith as I do now. The mighty hand of God, evident in miracles and signs in this church, has taught me to trust and honour Him in all things and in every place.
I go in peace and hold nothing against anyone. I just need to be in an environment where I don't face compulsion or the running of a church like a business organization.
I'm sorry I am unable to accept or submit to their views any longer. I would if I could, but I just can't anymore. It's not the leaders' fault; it's a lie and a hierarchal system that's making everyone blind and powerless to change anything.
You will have many questions you want to ask me. But I will answer none of them. Because the more I say, the worse for you. I would rather be disrespected than be a curse and a stumbling block to you.
I am ashamed to pick up your calls, answer your messages or even meet or talk to you face to face. Please don't ambush me or try to meet me. I want to cut myself off from this church because I need some closure to this.
I want to go on to the greater things that God has for me. I want to grow in faith and deeds. I want to find a church where I can do that. If you love me, pray for me that I will find the right one, not that I will come back. If you love me, don't try to convince me because it'll be futile and discouraging to you. And that will break my heart.
Please concentrate on multiplying and sharing the Gospel to your friends. Please concentrate on loving God and loving people, because these are the only two commands from God you'll ever need to remember. If you ever stray from these two commands, go back to your first and second loves.
And make disciples and teach them what you've been taught. Bring the Gospel and glory of God into Thailand, Kazakhstan, China and other countries you will go on mission trips to. Rest assured that I am trying to get on my feet to do the same too. I love you, Knights, as if you were my own children.
With Sorrow and Regret,
James Lin
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