I've Gone Circular
It has been almost one year since I've left church in search of new pastures. I thought it good to pen down my feelings and experiences after having spent 5 years of my life in the place where I first truly fell in love with God.
While my first true conversion happened through my secondary school classmate Jun Liang, my desire for God was ill-nourished by my disciplers there. Then, a stunning actress had to confess her love for me. And the church policy was against boy-girl relationships. So I left, though I broke up with her one month later because of my own insecurity.
I would never have stepped into another church by myself though I still firmly believed that God is real. But God used Ivy, a secondary schoolmate I was not close to, to bring me to her church. The first time I went for service was enough to convince me to keep coming.
While I was insistent that I did not want to join a cellgroup, I visited one under Ivy's advice and found myself in the loving arms of a bunch of fun Christians like Lynn, Charissa, Wei Kian, Elvin, James Chia and Silvestre. I still miss these people because they were great mentors and siblings in the Body of Christ. They were my first real family in Christ.
My first discipler was Silvestre and he inspired me to be a great discipler as well. He taught with wisdom and truth and was not afraid to use his own experiences and past to make a point. My passion for God grew like wildfire and I progressed by leaps and bounds spiritually. I soon became a discipler and was earmarked to be a cellgroup leader.
I served in church under the pastoral leaders as an administrative assistant of sorts for 3 months or so after my 'O' Levels. I went for my first mission trip and was radically transformed by the experience there. I was taken out of my cellgroup with a handful of others to form a new one that would cater to secondary school youths.
I loved my new cellgroup and the people there. I sought to be someone they could turn to in times of need. I discipled a few of them, taught them about love languages and loved them deeply and sincerely. And the love we shared was real. I went for my second mission trip. I became a cellgroup leader.
I was indoctrinated by church teachings to never be 'half-baked', 'spiritually unwell' and to let my 'deeds show my faith'. We would have people in the cellgroup who were 'backslidding'. People I treasure, love and remember like Sharin, Wen Jun and Alicia.
Silvestre and I always tried to place ourselves in their shoes as we counselled them, in the hope that it would change their decision. We also used Bible verses, logic and subconsciously ingrained propoganda. Many left the church for various reasons but I never doubted that I was on the right track.
But you never know how much Christians mean what they talk about unconditional love and grace until you commit a grave mistake. I was removed from leadership and left pretty much alone to battle my inner demons. I overcame my problem but I never forgot the look in their eyes or the tone of their voices.
My eyes were finally opened and I saw even more things that I was blinded to before. More exemplifying instances of how 'Christian' we have grown.
I've known a pastor who chided me when I wanted to go down to a disciple's house in the middle of the night. The dad was drunk and crazy, with only him and his mom at home, and I just wanted to go down so that I can support him anyway I can. He was the one who called me for help anyway.
We seem to have become so wise at handling situations without needing to be there for anyone. Just a word of advice, a prayer over the phone and whispering 'I'm with you in the spirit' is enough to console your brother and solve his problem. Wow, I so believe that no one has greater love than this pastor and that he would die just to save me during the end times.
I gave a woman who was begging with her infant child 50 dollars out of pity. She had blackened teeth and her baby was in a filthy condition. She was clutching some bills and pleading with the crowd to help her. I wanted to help her more by calling my pastor for church assistance. He scolded me for giving the 50 dollars. Without looking at the woman or her child, he was already enlightened that this woman was probably a con artist.
I mean nobody wants to be a fool or sucker but sometimes it is better to trust than to disbelieve. We should be more afraid to have done nothing for a genuine need than be fearful of having done something good for a cheat. In case you didn't know, God praises even fools and suckers in His service. What do you stand to lose if you give only what you are able to give? I mean, have a bit of compassion and be the cheerful givers we are taught to be.
Have you heard of modern excommunication of members? I was a discipler to a typical 'problem case' guy who was transferred from another cellgroup that 'was not doing well and had to be dissolved'. He found church practices unexemplary and felt the pastors were biased against him because of his past. I was already gaining rapport with him and he showed signs of change induced by love and concern. One Saturday afternoon, he was excommunicated just like that.
I was supposed to testify for him in front of the church board. In the end, he did not pursue the matter. If he did, some pastoral leader would have had a taste of her own medicine and gotten removed from leadership. Where was grace shown when people got removed as leaders without a second chance? I'm not talking about myself but the many other cellgroup leaders who are deserving of more than what they received.
I ever witnessed a fervent convert-to-be who was stumbled after cellgroup people and a leader scolded him on the phone for wanting to hold joss sticks. He was so interested to know more about Christianity and he came for many weeks on his own initiative. He never came again.
While we have to tell him about the biblical thing to do, we have to do so gently and we must still love him if he did otherwise. He had not even made a decision to follow Christ yet but we were already so eager to get him started in the reformation plan we had for him. I wonder what God would say to all the obstacles and burdens we put on our brothers.
In my 5 years in church, I have shared to many newcomers and counselled many old birds. I have converted a drug addict, preached to a Satanist and Jehovah Witness. If there is one thing I have learnt, it is that you cannot get your message through to them if they know that they have not first gotten through to you.
We must not be afraid to hear their perspectives or be so eager to defend our views. Well-meaning Christians have a way of misrepresenting God so well we could have been mistaken as working for the enemy.
I realised how much churches are affected subconsciously by culture. Like true blue Singaporeans, we oppose opposition strongly and have to use a business system for the effective and efficient running of everything. We don't believe in free lunches, free grace and unconditional love. We've got skeptics in a church of faith; pragmatic people in a world of ideals.
I believe in a grace that is more powerful than what we dare to believe. Just as Jesus forgave the criminal on the cross instantly without condition, I believe He forgives criminals on death row because He knows that being repentant is about being consciously aware of your sins and your need for a Saviour.
I have not lost faith in Jesus but I'm afraid the Christian religious system has lost me. I'll never again allow myself to be subjugated to the narrow minds of shallow Christians. From now on, I'll do as I deem fit and God alone shall know that I fear and honour Him.
I need not prove myself to men or be approved by them. I will not let the opinions of others be a deciding factor for my actions. I will hide that which is secret, for good things done in the open have no merit to One who despises hypocrisy.
When I read of the works of Christians who have gone through the fire refined, I'm reminded that God is alive and well. But of the current religous systems, it is as Friedrich Nietzsche has said, god is dead and non-existent.
Until I find proof that a church is relevant, humble and learning to discern, I'll not buy into a pastor's preaching or his concept of how he thinks Christians should live. I'll never again turn to elementary, amateur bible practitioners who think they know a thing or two after going through bible school when I cannot even see the foundations of their faith or theology.
It's not important what people say or write about you or what you write or say to people, but what they remember of you in times past. I will always hold in high regard people like Sister Zibing, Brother Rixiang, Sister Diana, Brother Jeff and Sister Tammy. Thanks for showing me the real difference you've made as Christians. Like an unwavering flame in the wind, you have all held your highest convictions with pride and dignity.
Though I am unchurched, I'm glad to have been in all places in different times of my life. To be up, to be down and to be all around. To be rich in the Kingdom of God and to be poor in spirit. To have turned my life 180 degrees and to have gone circular. I will always understand people, wherever they are at, in ways most Christians cannot. May sympathetic apathy never be attributed to me.
But rest assured that I will not be as foolish to trade Christ and my new life, for whom I've given up my old life, in exchange for my old life without Christ. I would not give something far inferior in exchange for something superior, only to prefer that which is inferior once again. I would not give silver for gold, only to pawn it for silver again.
No comments:
Post a Comment