Ode To My Family
I believe at certain stages of our growing up phase, almost every person vowed never to follow in their parents' footsteps because of certain qualities or habits they dislike. Yet, we often subconsciously fit into that mold over the years and become exactly like our parents, in the way we vowed never to imitate. Thus, the adage 'a chip off the old block' was coined.
I realised since a very young age that I am more like my mom than my dad in a lot of ways. I'm shy, reserved and am better at writing down my thoughts than actually saying it out. Also, I have always felt that my leadership skills were second grade and inferior to that of alpha males.
Though I have little confidence, I'm someone who will do any job or task if called upon. I just won't volunteer myself because I feel there're more qualified people than me who can do it better. Yet, I was always proud of the fact that I'm more like my mom.
I just liked my mom more. She was always doting on me, with the tender love and delicate care only a woman can provide. She was always the one who bought me tidbits, toys and paid for my tuition. She brought me to art classes, computer classes and other enrichment classes to nurture my mind and soul. She brought me on tours to open up my mind to the world. She always had chats with me and supplied my needs and wants, if I had any.
My dad was always the disciplinarian. You know the kind you can never get your way with? I always saw him as the Grim Reaper. He never found time to have a heart-to-heart talk with me or asked me if I wanted or needed anything. I had to beg or convince him if I truly wanted to get something.
But as I grew older and have gotten to know my dad better, I realised how hard it is to be a parent. I felt that I've underappreciated them for a long time. Sometimes in life, you blame your parents for not taking enough care of you or getting you the things you want.
In reality, they have given you the best they could afford. No one else will give you his or her best like your parents do unconditionally. Not your best friends and certainly not your boyfriends.
The funny thing is, you'll never realise this fact until you try to be financially independent. I totally forgot my parents were once like me; confused youths without much money or opportunities in life. People who loved me and worked hard to give me a future.
It's true in certain ways they have not nurtured you to your fullest potential or done what is the best for you in every situation. They may not have given in to your every wish but that moulded you to be a person who learned to live in contentment and not be a spoilt brat. But every day, your parents are thinking of you at every possible moment. They are doing the best they can for you in every part of your life.
Sometimes, we think friends are the most important people in our lives. But I realise now how tirelessly my parents have been my closest friends all this while. Attentively listening to my every word, encouraging me in every one of my pursuits and giving me the advice I need but don't really want to hear.
Your parents are the only ones who will weep for you for days without end because they are concerned about you. Do you know that my mom cried every night when she knew that I was suffering from anxiety disorder during BMT? My dad drove me to camp every week from that time onwards, something he doesn't usually do. He doesn't usually drive me anywhere.
It's really sad that all my life I sort of despised my dad and all that he stood for. I used to think of him as an arrogant show-off who doesn't listen to what others say. But what I've mistaken for arrogance is actually his alpha male confidence and leadership qualities.
Recently, he has been telling me about the hardship he experienced and exploits he made in his youth. If only he had told me all this when I was young. I would have given him the due respect he deserves and understand his character a lot better. Still, I'm the guilty one who ought to have known better.
My dad grew up in poverty with many siblings. He had to help in the daily operations of the pandan plantation my grandfather owned everyday after school. My grandfather couldn't really afford to give him many things, including sufficient money for transport to school and food.
He told me how he used to just order a plate of rice and ask the auntie for some curry gravy to top it up. If he was a bit richer, he would order some beansprouts. There were kind tuckshop aunties who occasionally gave him some meat for free. How I wished I could bless the aunties' soul and repay them somehow, wherever they are now.
There was one day his teacher told him not to come back to school the next day if he did not bring the school fees. He was so afraid that he not only skipped school; he actually hid in the plantation for the whole day.
He was so fearful of my grandfather in those days. My grandfather frequently scolded him or knocked his head with the fist. Also, there would be nights when my grandfather would punish my dad by repeating what he said many times so that my dad could not sleep when he wanted to.
When he accidentally stuck a parang into his chest while working on the plantation, he hid himself for fear of receiving a scolding from my grandfather. To this day, his chest still bears the 8cm long and 1cm wide scar.
I just love his innocence and also feel sorry for him. If I could travel back in time, I would definitely be there for him, bring him to a hospital and comfort his poor soul. No one, especially my dad, should have to go through this alone.
But he was a smart student who made it to Chinese High School even though he was up till midnight doing his chores. That means he's smarter than me by heaps. He had such athlethic and leadership ability; he was the captain of Chinese High's track team.
My dad was so good in running that he was selected to be on the national track team. But he declined that opportunity. The reason? He had no money to take a bus to the stadium where they would train. What a waste!
His class took part in the school's annual sports meet one year. Nearing the end of the day, there was only the inter-class 400m relay event left. My dad's class would still come in second place in the overall competition even if they got the first place in the race. The only way they could come out tops was to come in first in the event and break the school record timing at the same time.
While the other 3 runners in his team were mumbling among themselves that it was impossible and that it had never been done before, my dad firmly stated that it could be done and volunteered to be the first runner.
What confidence he had that I will never possess. And you know what's the best thing? They broke the school record and came in first, something that never happened in the Chinese High School sports meet before.
My dad was an excellent police inspector. From his training, he was equipped with a wealthy knowledge of the law. He is able to solve problems easily, using both black and white means. Lots of people look up to him for his ability to handle anything from insurance claims, run-ins with the law and basically any problem in life.
I had a relative who stabbed someone to death in Singapore. He ran to Malaysia to hide as a fugitive but soon committed suicide afterwards. My dad was the one who arranged for his body to be brought back to Singapore. It's not an easy feat, trust me.
During a combined forces running competition, a Gurkha officer actually complimented my dad by saying that he had never seen a Singaporean officer run so fast before. To this day, he still gets gold for his IPPT and he serves as a trainer during his reservice. I have never gotten gold for IPPT in my life and I bet I never will.
My dad is so keen in learning that he knows how to do a lot of things well in many fields. He learnt how to repair household appliances, deal with electrical wires and how to be a contractor from scratch. He can cook well, catch snakes, climb trees, swim in the sea and maintain a plantation with his green thumb.
I now realise how multi-talented my father is. He is full of wit and can talk well. He is an extremely fillial son and I hope that one day I can make him proud by becoming exactly like him. He never blamed his parents or circumstances for what he became. He was grateful for whatever he had. He was an overcomer and shoved mountains aside.
Had I known all these facts, I would have strove to prove and improve myself. Had I known my heritage, I would never have allowed myself to be taken as second rate. I would have made my parents proud by doing well in sports. All along, I knew I had incredible running ability and stamina. What I didn't know was the full potential I could have achieved, had I devoted myself to training.
I'm rather ashamed of myself. I realised I only celebrate my mom's birthday or buy her gifts. I did do that for my dad when I was younger but I believe he said he did not want me to waste money on gifts he would not like anyway. But this year is going to be different, I promise.
I would like to share a very interesting childhood memory of mine that will serve as an anecdote for this article. When I was five or so, I remember my parents brought me to a shopping center. My mom was getting her hair cut at a salon and I went off by myself to the toy departmental store.
After looking at the toys, I realised I could not remember the way back to the hair salon. Being the intelligent kid I was, I approached a security guard and told him these very words, "Uncle, can you help me? I think my parents lost me."
I then proceeded to give him my home number. He called my grandfather, who in turn paged my father. My parents eventually came to fetch me.
Isn't that a big joke? Sometimes we think our parents are the ones who have lost all sense and bearing of where we are in certain points of our life. We think that they have never understood us and never will. But the biggest joke is that all this while, we were the ones who never knew the places our parents have been in the past and are at this present moment.
I am not ashamed to admit that I cried while writing this article. Those tears should have been wept a long time ago. I have been lost for too long, like the prodigal son who did not know how good his father was.
I would just like to offer one piece of advice. Ask your parents about their childhood and youth. Go on a journey with them to relive the memorable incidents and achievements in their life and relish how they felt as a child and as a youth.
I believe our parents want to share about themselves more than we want to hear it. Most of the time, we shout 'generation gap' to mask our 'can't be bothered' attitude to hear about their 'old and boring lives'.
But remember this, they have listened to our blabber all our lives. Remember the Goo-Goo-Ga-Ga you uttered when you were six months old? You might not, but they still remember and cherish that moment. The least we could do is listen back.
Whenever you feel mad at your parents(even if they are in the wrong), look into their eyes and see the innocence that was once there. Remember their simplicity, their hurts and their joys. Remember that they were just like you in the past.
But they have grown in experience, maturity and wisdom by leaps and bounds since then. They are now merely trying to help a child who is lost, confused and rebellious. An infant who needs more guidance and care than it thought it did.
If you ever think your parents haven't done enough for you, think about how insufficiently your grandparents have provided for your parents. You will eventually realise that everyone is an imperfect parent trying to do his best.
I feel very fortunate because orphans have no parents they can look up to. No role models to tell them about their heritage. They can't say they're a chip off the old block because they never saw the old block before. For the rest of their lives, they will have a nagging desire to know what their parents were like.
If you ever become a parent, don't forget to tell your children about your dreams, even if they were dashed or unfulfilled. Let them know what they might be good at. Get them interested to take up hobbies, skills and learn more about the world.
But ultimately, dreams and hopes are not everything. Friends are not everything. Money is not everything. In the end, the only ones who will remain behind and stick by you is your family. In times of hardship, tears and pain. Even strangers will celebrate with you but few will cry with you.
Even if you forget everything I have said above, never forget about the love you have received and how others have freely given it to you. Reminsce and remain in that love, repaying your many benefactors one day if it's possible.
Love your parents because you'll never know fully how much more they love you. Love can cover a multitude of sins. You must let the healing begin.
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